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#Became more honest about my emotions and gained courage #Gained an appreciation for Paris's beauty and a renewed vitality for life #Felt the freedom of escaping others' gaze
At some point Paris began to look beautiful. It was certainly the Paris I had seen yesterday, a week ago, and on postcards when I was in Korea, but new and beautiful scenes began to catch my eye. These were beautiful sights I hadn''t noticed because I hadn''t been able to focus on my own feelings.
-Paris, France, gap year stay / Jeong Yuna, gap-year group, gapper / 8-week gap year |
Trigger
As I faced reality I gave up on the things I dreamed of as a child and lived following what others did, so I had forgotten what I truly wanted to do. Not wanting to be trapped by things I had to do, I decided to take a gap year to find what truly makes my heart race and what I really want to do.
1
The Paris I first encountered was neither romantic enough to make my heart flutter nor so breathtakingly beautiful that I was speechless.
On my first outing I simply nodded calmly, thinking that places where people live are all the same. While staying in France I decided not to expect anything grand, but to allow myself even a small bit of inner ease.
At first it was disconcerting to go around Paris alone. Up until now it had felt like places I had to go, things I had to do, like...what others decidedI had been living doing what others decided, but being able to do what I wanted for the first time felt awkward and uncomfortable. Once I left my accommodation I was completely alone, so without anyone''s opinions influencing me, I could decide solely for myself and clearly say what I wanted and what I wanted to do. Of course, the atmosphere in Paris didn''t give me strange looks or react no matter what I did. In that way I was able to do the small things I had wanted to do little by little.
At some point Paris began to look beautiful. It was certainly the Paris I had seen yesterday, a week ago, and on postcards when I was in Korea, but new and beautiful scenes began to catch my eye. During that timemy own feelingsThese were beautiful scenes that I hadn''t noticed because I couldn''t focus on my own feelings.
Looking at the scenes I regretted each day, I wondered why I hadn''t enjoyed and felt them sooner; life is too short not to live doing only the things I want to see and do.Also, I felt it was such a waste that I had erased parts of myself to fit others'' standards and couldn''t proudly express that I had things I wanted to do and things I wanted to say.
2
“I cried loudly, sobbing, on the plane to Paris. I was so proud of myself.” When I spoke with the sister who came to Paris with me for the gap year stay, I was surprised by her story. She cried in front of others — and she told it without being ashamed! I was briefly taken aback but soon envied my sister who openly showed her true self.
In contrast, I had always kept myselfunder others'' gazebound. Because I myself tended to judge others, I thought others would judge me the same way. Because of that I couldn''t do as I pleased. Even when I wanted to cry because things didn''t go my way, I always pretended to be confident and strong and couldn''t reveal my true feelings. But although I had been calm when boarding the plane to Paris, on the plane leaving Paris I cried so much that even I was surprised.
I still find it awkward to sob out loud. But the very small courage I had when, for the first time in Paris, I did what I wanted without thinking about others'' eyes gradually grew into bigger courage, and with that increased courage I could escape others'' gaze and be honest with my emotions. Previously I would have replaced sadness with a sigh out of concern for others'' reactions, but now I can show my sadness as it is.
Like a ball that must hit the ground to gain the power to bounce up, I feel I''ve used this honest sadness as a foothold to shake it off and gain the strength to bounce back. Now I...courageAlthough I regret leaving the Paris that gave me the courage, now that I''ve learned how to listen to my heart and emotions, I will strive to passionately live pursuing what I truly want to do. I won''t deceive myself; I''ll be honest with my own feelings!
Episode
I was looking at the scenery alone by the river when an old man who didn''t speak any English suddenly started talking to me. He kept speaking in French so it seemed impossible to have a conversation and I was about to pass by, but his will to converse was so strong that I listened closely and he kept thanking me, saying he was a sculptor and that my appearance had given him good inspiration.
At first I suspected impure motives, but as we talked I realized he was a kind old man who smiled warmly. We talked for quite a while, shook hands, and parted. It was strange and delightful that I had inspired someone else, but above all I loved that we could connect and converse even when language didn''t work. I don''t remember how we communicated — it wasn''t French or English — but I will never forget the grandfather''s smile and the pleasant time.
My Gap Year
Experience ★★★★★
I was able to experience many things I wouldn’t have if I had stayed in Korea. There were many good things and many bad things too, but I consider them the price of experiences that money can’t buy.
Learning ★★★★★
Interacting with a variety of people changed my perspective and broadened my horizons.
Environment ★★★★☆
Not having personal space was inconvenient, but I lived comfortably and at ease in the accommodation.
Safety ★★★★☆
Very occasionally when going out.Except for experiences that felt like Asians were being disregarded, I lived safely without any major incidents.
Leisure ★★★☆☆
There are more tasks to help out at the guesthouse than I had expected, so I don''t think I''ve been able to have as much personal time as I had planned.
