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#Freed from others' opinions #A chance to fully reflect on myself #Only action produces results
I was always worried about how others saw me. What if they feel this way? What if they think that? I''m not that kind of person. What if they misunderstand? My attention stayed with others instead of with myself in the present.I was dwelling in a different dimension of time, not the present time.I missed the present and lost myself. -Cambodia medical volunteer work treating children that anyone can do / Yang Hyowon gap-year group ''gapper'' / 4-week gap year |
# I think this volunteer work is really suitable for healthcare professionals or students.
# I began to feel anxious inside.
In the first week, after arriving at dawn I had a lot of trouble sleeping—half excitement, half fear. Because I had no roommate, stepping out of my room in the morning by myself was an enormous fear for me.The moment I stepped out, the foreign friends I would meet felt so unfamiliar, and that scared me.I think I stood hesitating in front of the door for more than 30 minutes. After much deliberation, I opened the door and went out.
I went down to the first floor and was afraid someone would come down and meet me at the dining table. If someone coming down the stairs made eye contact with me I would have to greet them—what if they didn''t respond? What if my voice wouldn''t come out? What if they couldn''t hear me because my voice was too quiet? Those countless thoughts made me even more afraid.
In the end I kept my head down and ate hastily, then went back to my room and probably didn''t come out all day. I had no appetite, worried about how I would get through the next month. After that day passed, the next day we had orientation with other newly arrived foreign friends like me.
The person sitting next to me casually asked, "Are you from Korea? You arrived at dawn, right?" and other such questions. I was so tense I could only answer, "Yeah."Above all, I had never heard so much English before, so the fear of not understanding filled my head and I couldn''t think calmly.
I only answered "yeah," and I began to feel anxious inside that they might think I wasn''t interested.So I belatedly asked, "Did you arrive yesterday too?" and that friend answered "yeah." Oh my God. She''s completely not interested in me now. The other friends were the same.
# I felt a strange emotion watching foreign friends ask odd questions.
The orientation was conducted in English, and I sat quietly having understood only half of it. In contrast to me, the other friends asked many questions.Among those were a few questions I wondered why they were asking; I''ll give one example.When it was explained that in Cambodia it''s impolite to leave food uneaten,
"At a restaurant, is it okay to leave food uneaten?"
Seeing the friend who asked that question, I thought, "Why would they ask such an obvious question? They must just say whatever comes to mind."
Of course it''s allowed—I''m the one paying. Looking back now, I realize that question could have been asked.But I wouldn''t have asked such a question.I was worried that simply asking such a question would be taken as absurd. As expected, the local manager smiled and said that of course such food can be left, but when you are invited you should only take as much as you''ll eat so you don''t leave any behind.Thanks to that, the explanation became more specific.
I had never asked such questions nor could I have come up with them, so watching those foreign friends ask those odd questions made me feel a strange emotion.I''ve heard Cambodia''s purification system isn''t very good — so can you drink water or smoothies at restaurants or cafés? And so on.By asking quite specific questions to the manager, I was able to get unexpected pieces of information.
The kids who aren''t ashamed of not knowing something and fill themselves by asking questions.Their list of questions included many things I wouldn''t even dare to think of. Questions that caught me off guard.
I just listen and accept. Oh, I see. When I don''t know something, I can''t even ask directly. I''m busy asking nearby friends, or if I can''t even do that, I follow along without complaint.
I envied that honesty so much.
After the OT, while moving to lunch by tuk-tuk, the kids tossed jokes at each other and told the manager things like, ''That building is huge — it must be a place where only extremely rich people live,'' saying whatever came to mind. I just kept silent.
I wondered how to say it in English, and it also felt funny to suddenly open my mouth after being quiet until now. So quiet. We went to an upscale restaurant serving Khmer (Cambodian) food. The interior was stylish and the dishes were so exotic that I wanted to capture them in photos, but I couldn''t bring myself to do it. I timidly took a few pictures of the interior.Another friend said we should take photos of the food and asked us to wait a moment.I envied that honesty so much.
Why can''t I even act the way I want to? After lunch OT, I felt so pathetic and frustrated with myself for being quiet the entire mealtime, and I was so upset at myself for still being unable to act that I lay down on the bed and cried, overwhelmed at how to spend the remaining time.
While I was quietly crying by myself, the local manager came in. I had casually mentioned that I wanted to go to Siem Reap this week, and they asked if I wanted to join the team that was going. I was so grateful that Mey remembered and took care of me. In the second-floor parlor I met Camilla from Italy. She was very kind. My mood quickly brightened.
I am someone who likes being with others. I just fear the process of getting close. It''s fine if we become close, but what if others end up disliking me?Looking back, there was no one who disliked me when I approached first. I only have memories of being prematurely afraid and distancing myself, thinking, ''I probably can''t get along with that person.''
After that, I gathered the courage to speak first to a few foreign friends, and everyone was so kind.Putting aside countless thoughts—will they like me, will they hate me, should I speak up, what if I''m ignored—I timidly expressed myself to them, and I became happy. Only action can produce results. It lets you know the truth.
I had only expected to do shadow-doctor–level activities, but they gave me opportunities to practice on real people, like changing dressings and giving injections.
The day after OT, two days after my arrival in Cambodia, I finally went to the local hospital for my first volunteer shift. All the medical staff showed a lot of interest in me as the only Asian. They had experience volunteering in Korea and wanted to go again. They even showed me photos of the hospitals they volunteered at and pictures with their Korean friends, treating me warmly.
They said that because there is a large ward round every Tuesday and Thursday morning, there wouldn''t be much to do for about an hour after arriving at the hospital.They also introduced me to the residents at the hospital. It felt very comfortable. Even without me making an effort, everyone was open and candid with me.
I went thinking I''d be doing activities at the level of just a shadow doctor, but they gave me opportunities to practice on real people, like dressing changes and injections.I remember when they first asked, ''Do you want to try it once?'' At the time I thought, ''Me, dare I?'' What if I end up harming the patient? I don''t remember the procedural steps at all—can''t I just watch? The situation was truly terrifying.
They asked me back, ''Why don''t you want to try? I''ll help you—give it a go.'' Of course, my first practice was a complete mess.I felt unnecessarily sorry toward the patient and didn''t want to show them this kind of clumsiness anymore. I was actually most afraid that they''d think I was such a mess.
I gradually became familiar enough to be able to change dressings, butI couldn''t bring myself to try injections again until the last day of volunteering. They kept asking me if I wanted to try, but I was too scared. In the end, not doing it was the result.
For the first time, I had this kind of concern.
And the next week I practiced under another doctor. I was scolded a lot. I had never been scolded like that before, so it was very unpleasant. I became very discouraged. I was so afraid to face that doctor again. How would I show my face tomorrow? Whenever the situations in which I had practiced clumsily came to mind, I felt nauseous and my body trembled. Recalling it again felt so shameful.
On the way back from the hospital to the dorm,I decided to endure the nausea and face the situation. I turned on the voice recorder on my phone and began to speak my thoughts aloud as I walked.For the first time, I had this kind of concern.Why can''t I accept my vulnerable side? Why can''t I acknowledge myself as I am?
Why do I deny that I''m that kind of person and want to live in delusion? Why won''t I try to face reality? Is it because I lived that way? Even while living in Cambodia, looking back, it seems there weren''t many times I lived confidently.
I was always conscious of others'' gaze: What if they feel this way? What if they think that? I''m not that kind of person. What if they misunderstand? My awareness remained with others, not with my present self.I was dwelling in a different time dimension, not the present.I missed the present and lost myself.
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