I, who used to hate and despise myself to an extreme degree, came to like myself. In the past, if things didn''t go as I expected, I would torment and blame myself. But now I just like myself and I''m happy. I love this sense of liberation.
-Study English without stress and enjoy it — that''s it! Minji Lee — gap year community/gapper / 12-week gap year |
# It felt as if I were being pushed off a cliff, and I was extremely stressed because I couldn''t find a way.
I wanted to live like a human and truly wanted to live, so I applied for gap year consulting.
The consulting was fun. No, actually I was annoyed. Because someone I didn''t really know or trust kept asking me to talk about myself. But that person was the first to match my way of talking and was able to complete the conversation even when I proceeded in my own way, so later I felt it was fun (though it also felt bad).
When I first heard about the plan, I wasn''t very keen. That''s when I realized.That even if I felt like I would die now, I was more afraid of breaking out of my frame. In fact, after a year and a half I didn''t want to break down the persona I had painstakingly created over nearly 10, or rather 15 years — my false beliefs — and face myself.
The consultant gave me homework after the consulting, and at that time I felt as if I were being pushed off a cliff and couldn''t find a way, so I was extremely stressed.
# I was so tired and overwhelmed by the environment, but those trips made me feel alive.
Even while preparing, it was continuous mental breakdowns. I had never been abroad, nor had I ever studied English.Moreover, the only time I had spoken English was briefly covering a convenience store job and using a few simple English sentences with an elderly foreign couple.
During that time I kept thinking several times a day "Can I pull this off?" and "What if I go and get robbed of my organs..?" and "Why did I do this..." Back then I was so afraid of others'' gazes and people in general that when I went to crowded places I would be dazed and couldn''t pull myself together.
I had to be good at everything and successful at everything, which made it worse. So the first step was always difficult. I couldn''t even dream of making my own path. My ideals were always high and reality was always different, and whenever that happened I tormented myself.
But what caused even more breakdown was my boyfriend at the time. When I decided to go and expressed that, he became my shackle and I doubted even more: "Is this really what I need so much that I''d abandon my surroundings?" The answer was always "I don''t know."
What I felt after the consulting was that people instinctively say "I don''t know" when they already know the conclusion but don''t like it. I too knew the conclusion of that relationship, but I wanted to look away simply because I didn''t like the conclusion.
At that time I was simply terrified. I''m someone who has a great fear born from ignorance, and I always considered and cared for others. Of course, in that process there is no "me". I was thoroughly excluded. Isn''t it commonly said that you are the protagonist of your life? I had always been a cameo in my life — neither supporting nor leading.
Looking back it seems like a stupid thought, but at the time it was my best and obvious choice, and in that state I still came to the Philippines. I didn''t know anything. I was alone and my phone didn''t work, and I think I cursed every curse I knew.
After arriving at the academy, I had another meltdown. I really thought I''d been sold somewhere. Only then did the consultant''s words come to mind: "Just go. Don''t think, just go." ... hahahahaha... phew... the meltdown was only the beginning. After entering the room I had another meltdown. My pupils dilated at the extremely rundown facilities, and after opening my bag another meltdown. (I was even alone in the room.)
Because it exceeded the 500g limit, I had transferred shampoo and conditioner into my carry-on, but the shampoo had opened and I threw away some items that had been in my bag; while washing the bag I was so upset I unknowingly sobbed. In that moment I hated the consultant so much. The next day I looked everywhere but couldn''t see a single Korean, and during the day a roommate moved in. The roommate was a 39-year-old Taiwanese woman; I could understand what she was saying but couldn''t respond, which was very frustrating.
And that evening, I heard Korean for the first time. Two men were cursing the roommate, and at that time I thought, "Well, I''m still better than those people. What are they swearing about behind her back?"... I couldn''t have imagined then how great a stroke of luck my first roommate was and what kind of meltdown the new roommate would give me.
For three weeks I was a mess. I couldn''t eat, sleep, speak, or get close to Koreans. My body hurt, the internet was slow, and because of things like the shower and smells, I thought I was going crazy.After a month I began to learn to give up and attain detachment, and after two months of fully adapting to the country of the Philippines, I extended for another month.
At the time people''s reactions were very fresh, mostly "You?" Indeed. For two months I had been throwing tantrums. ButTraveling here and there for two months — whenever I tried new things I could hear cracks forming in the frame inside me, and it was so fun.
I was so tired and overwhelmed by the environment, but those trips made me feel alive. I realized that in just two months.
# For two months I pushed myself.
Even the self I knew and saw in Korea was mixed with illusions I had created. The primal me I encountered in a foreign country was much more — no, beyond comparison — a terrible, bratty child. She had every trait I hated, and thinking back, maybe that''s why when I saw someone who resembled me I hated them to the point of disgust, yet still took care of them.
Anyway, I was more childish than I had thought. (Ah, one thing that was true: whenever I faced my inner self, I always saw nine-year-old me crouched with her back turned, trapped in darkness.) I complained about everything, I wasn''t tidy, I wouldn''t even touch something if it didn''t look slightly clean, and I was horribly squeamish.
Only then did I realize how tidy and comfortable an environment I had been living in. Even before, when staying at my aunt''s house in Seoul or other places away from home, I would tell my mom, “Mom... I couldn''t live in a place like that. Do you know how comfortable and nice my environment is?” but this was on a whole different level.
The country called the Philippines. Sure, ants crawl over my head now, and it''s no problem to share living space with lizards. One thing the consultant said to me was, “They live their own kind of happiness even amid discomfort. Observe carefully.” At the time I answered back, “If they felt plentiful, they''d be the same as us.”
But now I often think differently. For them, this environment is their world, and they live enjoying their own kind of happiness. Even then I found my teachers so fascinating. As women, even if they were ignored or treated unfairly, they endured and moved on, and in their world and in their own way they found happiness even in the small things.
Also, through an anecdote with one teacherI realized, “Ah, something that seems obvious to me — I never thought it could be strange — but just as I felt bewildered here, their view of our culture or environment could be strange to them.” Even after coming here I kept looking for traces of Korea, separating myself and seeing myself as a foreigner in this place.
In other words, during the two months of adapting here I wasn''t resting — I was working.
(For two months I pushed myself. ‘I''m on a gap year, so I have to find myself!’ I would say.)
After those grueling two months I said to the consultant:
"I feel like I can fully experience the Philippines now."
#The person who used to hate and loathe herself so intensely has come to like herself.
At that time, I was so happy and content to be in the Philippines and to be myself.Through scuba diving I felt many things, chiefly that “I can do anything” and that there is “another world beneath my feet.” I''ll skip the detailed descriptions, but when I looked up at the surface from underwater I felt so grateful and happy to be alive and to be a gap-year traveler — that moment is something I don''t think I could ever erase.
Around the time I started getting particularly close to a Korean older brother, I was able to face myself more easily and more fully, and at the same time my ex-boyfriend told me he wanted to break up. In the past, the moment I broke up with a boyfriend I would have been unable to endure the emotional stress and would have said I was going back to Korea immediately, but although I cried and was heartbroken at the moment of breaking up, I was better than I expected.
I was unnervingly composed. And I heard the inner voice that in the past I wouldn''t have listened to or cared for: ''It''s okay. You did your best; it''s not your fault. Step out of caretaking and be free.'' I had always been in the position of taking care of others in relationships, and at the same time I wanted to leave that role and be free, and to be cared for by someone else.
One more thing.The person who used to hate and loathe herself so intensely has come to like herself. In the past, if things didn''t go as I expected I would torment and blame myself. But now I simply like myself and I''m happy.
#Right now I love this sense of liberation so much.
This place in the Philippines is the first country of my gap year, my first time abroad, my first overseas trip. The four months were so eventful that I cried a lot, and I was truly happy too. After this week''s presentation and one weekend, next Friday I will leave this place.
I''ve changed a lot. I''m not the person pretending to be strong anymore; I have become stronger, and the wounded nine-year-old inside me has become a fifteen-year-old young woman who greets me with a bright smile.
I can see the world through different eyes now, and I''ve learned to handle, to some extent, the stress that comes from trying and challenging myself. I have always been quite sensitive and my senses are well developed, and I express myself through space.
Before, I used to deceive and restrict myself because I was different from others, but now I can use that sensitivity and mode of expression positively. If before I thought I felt space through emotion, now I can feel myself becoming one with the space.
Right now I love this sense of liberation so much.
#My personal Philippine travel spots
Bohol — 2 nights, 3 days
We went without a guide: the first day was a firefly tour; on the second day we rented a car and driver for an active day doing zipline, plunge, bike-zip, and ATV; on the final day on the way back we did two scuba dives. It was very fulfilling and fun, and I was able to take in so much.
And scuba diving. The consultant advised against it, but it made such a big impression on me and brought so much change that I definitely want to recommend it. I mostly went on underwater trips =)
# My gap year tips
(Language)
Whether you know the words or not, I don''t recommend an English–Korean dictionary. Also, studying vocabulary is fine, but it''s better not to memorize it rigidly. It''s actually best to pester the teacher so you end up using the words naturally.
Anyway, the pronunciation we know, the teachers'' pronunciation, and usage all have different accents. Don''t guess unknown words; it''s best to ask the teacher right away and ask them to make example sentences.
(Meals)
The food is generally strongly seasoned. The school''s cafeteria is milder, but someone used to bland food will be shocked. It''s generally sweet and salty. Still, the fried food is the best.
(What to bring)
If you''re sensitive, I strongly recommend bringing wet wipes, toilet paper, sanitary pads, and a personal blanket.I recommend it. At first I was thrown off by the trashy smell of the toilet paper here. I also didn''t even want the bedding to touch my skin, so on the first night I slept bundled up in a blanket. Also, it''s good for your mental health to familiarize yourself with the Philippines ahead of time.
(A word for participants)
Don''t expect anything. Don''t conjure up special fantasies or imagine that something will change if you leave Korea, and don''t picture life after you leave. A mountain is a mountain and water is water.Just go with the flow and you''ll naturally come to know your own changes and yourself.
My gap year was
Experience ★★★★★
Since it was my first time abroad, whether good or bad, I want to give it five stars purely for the experience. It was the country where I achieved my own awakening.
Learning ★★★★☆
I didn''t study English here. I''m in the General program, but I dropped all the big-group classes and spent each class period talking and hanging out with the teachers — like IPS. It''s the best in terms of life lessons, especially about letting go and acceptance.
Environment ★☆☆☆☆
I realized here for the first time how nice and clean the environment I lived in Korea was, and how fussy/difficult I can be. The water has limescale. Oh, I never imagined I''d come across such huge cockroaches in my life.
Safety ★★☆☆☆
It''s not a particularly safe country. It''s risky. Never use your phone on the street, and it''s best to use your tote (eco) bag only inside the academy. Don''t carry anything in your hands. I also recommend a bag with a lock if possible.
Leisure ★★★★☆
It depends on what you make of it. For me, after the adjustment period, the whole week was my own time. Even during class hours, if you manage to persuade the teachers to help you, that itself becomes both leisure and learning.
